Tag: personal

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When Am I Not a Beginner Anymore?

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There are no answers in this post, just questions and thoughts that have been circling around in my head.

I’ve been writing for many many years. I’ve even sold some stories for real money and done paid blogging, and yet I usually think of myself as a beginning writer. I guess this attitude stems from not yet having finished a fully revised and polished novel (I have written several first-draft only novels). Also, while I’ve been writing for a long time, I don’t write all that much, or all that often. Nowhere near as often as I’d like anyway. For awhile I was trying to keep track of my word count so I knew when I hit my million words, but I didn’t keep up with that, so I don’t know if that landmark has been hit or not. Probably not quite yet, but maybe?

I’ve been noticing lately, when something pops up in my news feed with a title like, “Advice for beginning writers”, I find that I already know most of what’s there. I’ve heard it before anyway. Occasionally, I’ll even disagree with some piece of advice given, and I’ll have reasons for my dissent. So I imagine that I could maybe be moving past the beginner phase. Yet, that’s still how I think of myself and it’s a hard mental image to change. How many phases are there? Am I intermediate? Certainly not advanced. Does it even matter?

I think where it does matter is in finding lessons to continue my growth as a writer. Like I said, articles for beginners are feeling less relevant to me all the time, but I believe all writers can grow and improve, and the greats never stop learning. Finding craft books or advice from authors I admire is how I find myself moving forward more lately.

I’ve also been jogging now for about 8 months. I did the Couch to 5K week 1 day 1 jog the same day as my recheck exam with my surgeon and he gave me the green light to start exercising again. After I finished that training program I have been looking for advice on how to proceed, and I’m finding all kinds of often contradictory advice. I’m realizing that much of my confusion is from not always understanding who an article is aimed at. So many jogging articles seem to assume everyone is running races and trying to finish faster. I started to get a little better, more helpful results when I added ‘for women over 40’ to my jogging related searches. Yet, I got a lot of the same advice over and over again.

Does the repetition mean I’m not a beginner jogger anymore? I don’t think so. I didn’t jog this morning for example because I’m fairly sure I’ve developed mild shin splints and all advice says the solution is rest (or biking – yea for the Peloton.) I also bet most running coaches would classify someone with less than a year of running under them, especially someone like me that was extremely limited physically before that, a beginning runner. That’s fine. I don’t care what I’m called, but I do want to know where to turn for good advice on how to continue without hurting myself (re:this shin splint issue) but also without not pushing myself enough. I don’t know where that line is. Most of the advice I’m finding is aimed at someone just starting a C25K or similar program, or someone who has run a bunch or races and knows their ‘race pace’. I’m feeling a bit lost in between.

I suppose the solution in both cases, is to not care. To just keep going. Doing my best. Reading and learning, and making progress wherever I can, and not caring about labels. The value of the labels should be that it helps with the tracking down of useful resources, but I’m not sure that’s always the case. I guess, reading an article or listening to a podcast that just tells me stuff I already knew isn’t the end of the world. Sometimes we need to hear things more than once for it to stick after all.

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Dream Kara

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Two nights ago I had a great dream.
A little background info for those who haven’t been listening to me whine, I mean who haven’t followed my medical drama lately. After several surgeries that all seemed to run into complications, I am now recovering well but severely restricted in what I can do. I’m not supposed to bend or twist much and am limited to lifting no more than 5 pounds. This has been going on for nearly a year, with the more extreme restriction in the last 4 1/2 ish months.

So in my dream I was just running all over the city picking up heavy things. Something fell from a crane, and I caught it. Some big thing fell off a truck and was rolling toward some kids, and I ran in and scooped it up. I picked up this huge fish in my arms for some reason. And so on.

Every time I picked something up, expecting praise or thanks, people said to me, “You aren’t supposed to do that.”

Now, Real Me would have heard this and wilted, probably apologised and slunk away, but not Dream Me. Oh no. Dream Me stood up taller, hands on her hips and said, “But I did it anyway, and I’m awesome!” and jogged away to go find something else to pick up.

I wish I was like Dream Me.

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As Promised – the New Kitten

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Panther the kitten. photo by Kara Hartz

Her name is Panther. She was about 4 – 4 1/2 months old when we adopted her from the pound. She is perfect and delightful. Playful, silly, yet well behaved and cuddly. I thought I’ve give her and Meeko 2 weeks to start getting along before I worried about them. They were playing and sleeping together on day 3, and I’m not sure day 2 even counted since she wasn’t home all day. (She was with me at work getting her check up from the doctor).

She is everything I said I didn’t want in a new kitten. She was bottle raised, and she’s a girl, and still, I don’t think we could have found a more perfect fit for our hose than this fun cutie.

Meeko and Panther. photo by Kara Hartz

On a personal note, I may not have been actually ready for a new cat so soon after Bob. I thought, since we had discussed and wanted a kitten for awhile now, we were just holding off since Bob wasn’t doing well and we didn’t want to add additional stress to his life, that it wasn’t as though she were replacing him. We had plans for a kitten anyway, and Meeko seemed lonely. Only when I found myself constantly worrying about her, thinking something was wrong, or I should be doing more to care for her did I realize I was transferring all my unused worry and care taking time for Bob and placing it on poor little Panther, who didn’t need it.

Kara and Panther selfie

I’m far from being done mourning Bob. I think I’m leaving denial, and maybe moving into guilt and/or depression, but I’m coping. I may not be ready to bond again, but she is cute to watch and play with, and I keep reminding myself she’s fine. She doesn’t need medicine or trips to the vet. She needs playtime and cuddles, and we’ll both be okay eventually. The kids love her and she loves them. We are going to do all right here.

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Bob has passed away

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Bob the Cat ?/1998 – 12/2017

Bob passed away early in the morning last Saturday. We are all still adjusting to his absence. He has left a hole in our home and our hearts.  Bob had more than his share of physical problems, and limitations. He must have been in pain much of the time. And yet he was always happy, always purring, always wanting a lap and a head scratch. 

When someone was upset, or crying Bob would find them and try to offer comfort. It usually worked.
Despite his many health problems, he outlived several other cats in this household. His doctor put this down to his pleasant nature, his calm personality, and that he never worried or got stressed no matter what he was going through. 
I still catch myself looking for him, or worrying about him, or just wanting to hold him. I don’t expect those feeling to go away very fast.

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Compassion Fatigue

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I work in veterinary medicine. Compassion fatigue is a serious problem that can lead to burnout and people leaving the field. I have to assume it must be a problem in human medicine as well. I’ve taken continuing education classes on it and how to deal with the effects, how to hopefully prevent it in yourself and your coworkers if you see the symptoms.

I feel that we, as a nation, are in the throws of compassion fatigue. More and more people are telling me they can’t watch or read the news anymore. When it feels like there are near daily heartbreaking tragedies that need out donations, support, or other emotional energy, and we just don’t feel like we have anything more to give on any of those fronts. I’m there for sure. I was trying so hard to be a better citizen, staying better informed and writing or calling my representative more often, but like so many others I’m hitting the limit of what I can take.

How can we go on like this? Just responding to tragedy after tragedy. Doing nothing to prevent, or to overcome. I feel small and helpless and sad. I’m going to cuddle kitties and kids now. 

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October

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I’m a big ole introvert. So is my husband. Under normal circumstances, we are enough company for one another. October is not normal circumstances. We have three family birthdays in October. There is Halloween and with that comes Pumpkin patch visits, Halloween parties, Harvest festivals, and so forth. We already missed the local Octoberfest because we had too many other things happening this weekend.

I was feeling like an ungrateful brat the other day as I was juggling our schedule and realized that I’d planned something on the same day we had another event already. It was at least the third time this week we hit a major planning conflict in October, and we hadn’t even gotten our daughter’s birthday party scheduled yet. So I was grumpy. But when I stepped back – what was I grumpy about? Ohh poor me, who is invited to too many fun things. Then I felt like a jerk.

Yes, juggling a busy social schedule is not something I’m great at. Yes, all the extra festivities around the holidays (and beginning in October) do wear at me a bit to keep track of. But, hey – I have family and friends who want me around. Who organize fun things for my kids to do. Who provide us with so many wonderful memories that we will cherish for years. So I think I will learn to deal.

And that’s the real problem. If we actually didn’t want to do these things or spend time with these people we could just say no and keep out days open and free. But we DO want to do all the things! But all the things are happening at the same time, and my poor little simple brain implodes just a bit. I’ll be okay. I will have an amazing time, and hopefully still manage to be productive. If, however, you notice nothing on this blog again until January you’ll know why.

Have fun out there!

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Thinking of Houston

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We moved to Cypress, a suburb of Houston when I was 12. We moved away, to Midland in west Texas, when I was 13, so we didn’t live there all that long, but it had a big impact on me. I’ll be honest and say that I didn’t like it there very much, but in hindsight I think it had more to do with my being 12/13 and being moved away from my friends to a place with a different regional culture than I was used to at the same time I was starting middle school and having to adapt to THAT new culture as well. It was an ugly time personally for me, so perhaps it’s time I stop blaming Texas for it all.

I remember some computer program we had back then that would let us track incoming hurricanes. No biggies ever hit near us while we lived there, so the hurricane tracking was more ‘for fun’. Coming from tornado territory before our move to Houston when I was woken in the middle of the night by my parents and moved to sleep in the basement, the hurricane thing felt like more of a novelty at the time. It’s been sad watching the storms get worse over time.

I was talking with my dad a couple days ago and we were wondering if our old house is flooded right now. He had tried to find it on maps or looked for reports of flooding specifically in Cypress, but didn’t find much helpful. So we are assuming, from the reports of how widespread the flooding is, that it probably is. That got me remembering some of our neighbors back then, and wondering if they are still there, and how they are fairing.

For all I had personal issues when I lived in Texas there are some wonderful things there that I really loved. If, when Houston gets back on its feet – as it will, you have the chance to visit I’d recommend:

The Johnson Space Center. This was one of my very favorite things in Houston. In our short time living in Houston we visited more than once. Perhaps even three times? I don’t remember for sure, but it is an amazing place. If you have any interest in Space exploration, or history at all, you’ll love visiting. In case anyone doesn’t know, The Johnson Space Center is the Houston in the famous Apollo 13 comment, “Houston, we have a problem”.

The Astrodome. We got some sort of youth ticket package deal when my sister and I were kids in Houston, so we ended up going to a lot of Astros games. I liked baseball before this, but I loved it when we lived in Houston. I’ve tried since then to get that love of fandom back, but I can’t recapture it. I’m back to just liking. That couple years of being an Astros fan is a fond memory I’ll always carry.

Galveston. While not in Houston – obviously since it’s Galveston – it’s only a short day trip away, and I remember loving it there. I haven’t looked for Galveston specific stories, but I would assume they are in as bad, if not worse shape than Houston is since they are directly on the Gulf Coast. We were visiting there once on Mardi Gras and we didn’t know it. Until, as we walked all by ourselves on an otherwise empty beach, a parade appeared out of nowhere, came by us, covering us with plastic coins and mardi gras beads and disappeared again into the distance down the road. It was a weird, surreal moment that was so weird and surreal that as an adult now I can’t help but wonder if I’m remembering it wrong. Later we went into town and full Mardi Gras celebrations were underway, and it was a blast.

So, here’s my thoughts going out to Houston and the surrounding areas. If you can help the relief efforts, please do so – because you are going to want Houston to be there so you can visit it see all the cool things it has to offer.

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The Ileostomy Life

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While I’ve only had my ileostomy for about six weeks now, so am far from being an expert, it really hasn’t been as bad as I imagined. Originally, the ostomy was presented to me as a worst-case scenario if my surgery went poorly. So when surgical complications piled up and I did need the ileostomy after all, that’s how I saw it. Worst-case. Clearly, there could have been many worse surgical outcomes than this. My intestines could have been beyond saving at all and I may have needed a permanent ostomy. I could have died. That would be worse. All in all, having this bag isn’t all that bad.

Admittedly, the first week home was rough. I was changing the bag just like I was taught in the hospital, but I was getting leaks in the middle of the night. So while moving around was still painful and difficult I’d be up but groggy in the middle of the night trying to put on a new bag and cleaning up all the poop that I leaked out in the bed and the floor on the way to the bathroom. I’ll be honest – there were many tears.

In retrospect I should have called the ostomy nurse when I started having problems, but I had a recheck appointment scheduled later in the week, so I just suffered until then. My advice if you are a new ostomate – don’t just suffer. These nurses who specialize in ostomy care are great. They have solutions. Go get their help.

After my surgical recheck I explained my leaking problems and they got me in to see an ostomy nurse right then. She didn’t have enough of a schedule opening to do a lot of teaching with me, but she looked at my bag (the seal of which was just on the border of leaking right then despite it being a new bag I’d put on the night before) so she could see my problem clearly. She got me a different kind of bag the had a more rigid and curved area where it attaches. I apologize that I don’t have all the terminology and lingo down yet. It might be what I’ve seen referred to as a convex bag? She also wiped on some sort of sticky skin protecting liquid and added an additional sort of jelly barrier ring and sent me home with supplies to do the same. I haven’t had a leak since. Even though it’s been more than four weeks leak-free, I still have some paranoia about it and still sleep on a towel – just in case.

A week later, I got even more refined help with my scheduled ostomy checkup – including a support belt/corset thing that holds the bag tight against me and makes longer walks much more comfortable. Walks have helped me start to regain my strength so this has been wonderful. And I wouldn’t have known about any of these options without those great nurses.

While I certainly won’t miss my ileostomy bag after I have my reversal surgery, after that rough first week home, it hasn’t been bad. Some things have been interesting – seeing how my innards work in a new way.

Somewhat off topic – I have thought to myself, as all these crazy bathroom laws show up around the country, how happy I am to live in California. Sometimes, if a toilet isn’t very big, I have difficulty emptying the bag sitting down and I have to stand up. I wonder what would happen to me if someone saw my feet under a stall pointed the wrong way as I emptied my bag (it’s mainly liquid and sounds that way). There are so many reasons not to judge or make assumptions about others.

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I’m Tagged

Kara Hartz5 Comments

Nanjodogz ‘tagged’ me so now I’m supposed to tell 7 things about myself.
So with my ‘IT’ hat on, here we go:

1. I’m training myself to get up early and write even though I’m REALLY not a morning person.

2. I talk to my cats like people.

3. I hate clutter, but I’m a packrat. This is a problem for me.

4. As sappy as it sounds, I like to call my husband in the afternoons just to hear his voice.

5. Whenever a new season begins, I always think that’s my favorite season (except for summer)

6. I don’t exercise as much as I plan to. ( i actually don’t do anything as much as I plan too – maybe I over-plan?)

7. I don’t forward e-mails that tell me to, and I don’t tag other people in games. Sorry.

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Oops – I was tagged

Kara Hartz2 Comments

Shell Mitchell tagged me several weeks back, and I forgot to do my duty by posting six things about myself. Hopefully this is better late than never.

1. I love Mars, and anything Mars related. I’m fascinated by it.

2. I once worked in a medical research lab taking care of baby monkeys. My views on animal rights didn’t come from propaganda leaflets – they came from what I experienced in real life.

3. When I was 11 years old I picked up a rare liver fluke from swimming in a hot spring. I was hospitalized and they brought medical students in to see me.

4. I lived in 4 different states growing up and went to 8 different schools.

5. I love to sit outside at night, but I almost never do it anymore. (makes mental note to self to go sit outside tonight)

6. My big sister is the coolest person I know.